She lay silently on the bed she shared with her husband awaiting for him to fall asleep to hear him slightly snore to give her the indication that he was in a deep sleep. She quietly slipped out of the bed and tiptoed across the living room into the Kitchen and armed herself with a butcher knife and quietly walk back in the bedroom where her mind shifted from being the lovely Christian wife to the victim that gained courage and declared no more hurt and pain as she contemplated the consequences she was blinded by the silent emotional abuse she experienced day in and day out and within a millisecond she slit his throat and continue stabbing her husband repeatedly declaring No More! With a gasp her eyes popped open panting trying to control her breathing she slowly moved her head and looked over to her right and realized her husband was still alive. She knew then she was avoiding the truth, trying to pretend the end was drawing near, prolonging the inevitable.

Sorry is like revisiting your hurt going to a follow up visit at the hospital with the same complaint …it hurts…. Day dreaming she whispers to herself.  I’m hurting scars invisible camouflage by smiles and God praises nobody sees my tears dried on my cheeks, concrete its like part of the greatest makeover with the finest makeup hiding the internal scars masked by facial wrinkles of the frown turned upside down shaping my countenance of shame and humiliation. Hello!!, reality screams at me flashing the results of my decisions that is changing the trajectory of my life and  I sit soaking wondering how did I get here…

Hands over my face and the only thing on my mind was where is the road  to my freedom from this bondage. If only I can get the strength to move past my shame, and the opinions of others and stop the tormenting continuous cycle of the psychological prison of walking in my own prison and locking the door behind me. She thought I’m locked up with my passionate desires of him changing and me dreaming of having the peace of mind resting with assurance that he won’t cheat this time and I won’t wrestle with the embarrassment of taking him back again. I’ve come to the conclusion of the cold heart truth I’m not who he really chose “Married” with the labeled “Option” as my new tag name. Security is unstable because betrayal of our vows is crouching at my door everyday. 

Ledisi “88 Boxes” melodically followed me out the door as my theme song as my heart sang the melodic question “ Did you ever love Me?.”

She came to herself drifting out of a daze a scripture came to mind… No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make The Way of Escape, that you may be able to bear it. Grace has made an entrance by way of Choice. Choice is the most powerful tool we have. Everything boils down to choice. We exist in a field of infinite possibilities. Every choice we make shuts an infinite number of doors and open an infinite number of doors. We live in a multiple choice world where choice is obvious, but its culture cannot make up its mind. Broken vows reminded her that the responsibility of making the right choice can only be made once… and forever. 

One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.